To the soul mates that complete us.

What is it about the certain people in our lives that just snap into our personalities? The very insanely few people that don't have to speak a word, and yet something amazing draws you to them. I'm convinced that there are soul mates in the world. I also believe that you can have more than one. Mine would be E. Even though E is regularly introverted, when I started swing dancing on her floor in the dorms she came out to talk. For some reason I was immediately attracted to her. Not just in a physical sense, but in a deep feeling of trust and friendship. Kind of overwhelming for a person I just met. I would make up dumb excuses to eat with her when I saw E eating alone in the cafeteria. She invited me to go to the ballroom dancing club with her. We started developing excuses to hang out together.

Eventually, E and I began going to Denny's in the early evening and talking completely through the night. This happened on more occasions than I can count. If you have met a person like this you know how insanely easy it is to coast through conversation. I was amazed that she almost knew what I was going to say before it hit my mouth. On the phone (which I normally hate) we would easily spend an hour talking and have to force ourselves to hang up. I let the amazing closeness get to me too deep I suppose -- I fell into the hardest crush I've ever had. This wouldn't have been such a problem, except she and her boyfriend were going on 2 years. I would secretly bait her into arguments that would end up with us tickling each other in the floor of her sorority. For some reason, I just couldn't be around her enough.

So what changed? I chickened out. I let my feelings break me down. I went to knock on her door to tell her that I loved her. And I couldn't go through with it. I sat in silence. I let my feelings turn to poison when I saw how happy she was with her boyfriend. I dated her roommate to forget my feelings for her.

Unfortunately, she remained irreversibly entangled in my heart strings.

We eventually became housemates, and I became single again. Being in close quarters with her all the time and trying to disguise my feelings was beginning to leave it's mark. I eventually spent more time on campus doing homework to avoid her for a while. I was confused about my feelings for her. I felt really strongly for her, but what was it? Love? Friendship? I didn't realize that it was a mix of the two. So, when attempts to sort it out failed in vain, I poisoned her. I told her my feelings.

I finally in a shaky voice and teary eyes, told her everything I felt about her. And for how long it had been going on. I was weak and couldn't deal with it anymore. So I shared it with her. Looking back, I think it was more selfish than anything. She was dating a new guy long distance, and she adored him. So of course, my monolouge was politely noted, and our emotional distance grew further. We wrote a few letters back and forth to try and map out our feelings. It just left me empty. One sided love is a losing battle I'd wish on no one.

Eventually, I got over her again. The romantic feelings anyway. Eventually all that I let myself keep was the feeling of an amazing friendship. In retrospect, I think it all worked out for the better. We both found people we are in fulfilling relationships with. I believe that I will always have some strange connection to E no matter how different we become.

Likewise, I know my girlfriend J has a soul mate as well. There was a person in her life that fit to her personality like a lego. J dated B back before we started dating. I know that the love she felt for B was intense, fragile, and similar to my situation -- completely one sided.

If I could tell everyone involved one thing, it would be this: It is okay to love the soul mates that complete you. They are a link to your true self where you can feel free of judgement and grow into a better person. Don't be afraid of each other or the feelings you have around one another. It is merely a hopeless entanglement of two people's heart strings.

Comments

Amanda said…
You are a wise man in such a nerdy body.
Robert said…
Thanks. I think it was all the calculus they forced me to take. ;-)

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