Roommate Strikes Back: Episode 3

I have more stories from the Nasty Roommate. For those of you that love drama, please read on. If you are not familiar with the original series, you might want to get a quick history lesson first.

It is Wednesday night around 11:00 pm and I am going on fourteen straight hours of coding a semester design project. This project is due in the morning and is worth 15% of my overall grade. I’ve got a long way to go. Suddenly K, the nasty roommate, calls me to complain about the cat. Again. Knowing full well that she never calls to say anything nice, I let it go to my voice mail. Unfortunately, I deleted the message, but my interpretation goes like this:

Hey rob, its [K]. I was just calling…ummm…I was thinking you’d probably be over to the house today, but I guess you hadn’t. Um, Lance had little issue in the baaathroom. So, I was just wondering if you’d be over any time soon to uh, take care of it? So anyways, I hope things are going well for ya, and I’ll talk to you later. Bye.

Didn’t sound too bad right? But unfortunately I am very busy and don’t have time to make a round trip just to pick a hairball up off the floor. I say it is a hairball and not poop because for the two years I have had Lance he has NEVER used anything besides a litter box. Period.

So email her back a little while later when my group members and I are taking a short break:

Hey [K],

I got your message. I didn't come to the house today because I have been working at EE since 8:30 this morning. I have a design project worth 15% of my grade due tomorrow -- and it isn't finished yet. If you want me to clean it for you, you'll have to wait until Friday morning.

Talk to you later!
Robert

Nice, pleasant, and to the point wouldn’t you say? I tried communicating that I am too busy tonight to fulfill her cleaning whim. So the email I got back a few minutes later?

Rob-

Sorry to hear you are so worried about your grades that you cannot take 5 minutes out of the day today or tomorrow to clean up your pet's excrement in the middle of the bathroom floor.

I will clean it but I expect to not ever hear anything from you about messiness since you are fine with leaving your cat's excrement in the middle of the bathroom floor for over 48 hours.

Hope the project goes well.
[K]

Alrighty then. Let’s bring it on! War has been declared, and this time I’m not going to be remotely nice about it. I’ve tried being understanding, but this is just manipulative BS. I had the full permission of my parents not to put up with it. So, I recruited the help of an unpublished journalist to help write a scathing email in return. A scathing email is NOT what you want from J. Her emails leave people in tears. So a few drafts later, I sent her this email this morning.

[K],

First of all, I highly doubt that Lance either urinated or relieved his bowels in the middle of the bathroom floor. Seeing as he has been litter trained since the day we picked him up from the Humane Society, and he has never, ever proceeded to relieve himself on linoleum before, I have trouble believing he left a small gift for you. The “excrement” most likely was a hairball, which I realize can resemble a piece of feces. Unfortunately, hairballs are a part of life with a cat and sometimes need to be picked up at inopportune moments. I assure you, you did not contract any communicable diseases from it; especially, if you used a paper towel to pick it up.

I’m sorry if you think it necessary to call me every time something in the house inconveniences you. Yesterday I was not willing to drop everything, even for five minutes, to come to the house to pick up a hairball. I would also like to point out that I probably would have made time had you asked me nicely instead of ordering me like a servant. Not even my parents order me around like that, and I’m definitely not going to put up with it from you. Primarily, it is your attitude that prevents me from wanting to do you any favors. If you asked nicely and cut out the attitude, you might get people to help you when you want it.

It is interesting to me that you point out my unwillingness to drop all of my academic obligations to clean up a mess that bothers you, when you have been unwilling throughout the entirety of your time at 504 to clean up anything that was disgusting to me. Your bedroom, which granted is your space, has proceeded to leak out the door to vomit its contents on a living area that is considered “common,” to so eloquently quote you from earlier this year. When you said the litter odor was a problem during first semester, I spent more than $100 on a litter system that would accommodate both your concerns and my schedule. Since then, the house has not improved in the slightest. Instead, you have complained that I now need to purchase additional items to keep any litter granules from getting on the floor and sticking to your feet—a problem that could be corrected by picking up a broom if I’m not there to do so myself.

Also, when I was at the house on Friday night and Sunday, I noticed that there are ants all over the kitchen counters and the wall by your food supply. I have mentioned to you in the past that there has been a problem with ants during the warmer months, and I encouraged you to not leave sugary food or open containers on the counters or in easy access locations. Unfortunately, it doesn’t appear that it mattered what I asked, and you’re on the way to infestation.

In a nutshell, the house is absolutely the most disgusting thing I have laid eyes on. My friends and father agree. I am not willing to help you clean the house when you are not willing to maintain it. As far as Lance is concerned, you knew you were going to live in a pet-friendly house when you signed your lease in May. If living with a cat was a problem, you should have voiced concern at that time. Lance is not a bargaining tool with me, and I am not going to be forced into doing what you tell me because of him. Furthermore, I no longer feel as if Lance is safe in the type of environment you maintain for living. At the end of the week, I will be moving him out of the house for the remainder of the semester.

I would like to reiterate the fact that my father has seen the house in its current state, and he wasn’t happy. His intent is to begin showing the house for sale at the end of the school year, and the consistent mess makes that impossible. Your messiness is no longer my problem, nor is it blamable on my pet. I stress this because I will not be helping you clean the house at the end of your lease. Your deposit is in your own hands as a tenant.
You have never shown me the slightest bit of consideration in this matter, and I feel no need to return you any at this point.

If you have any further concerns, I suggest you call my father. Future conversations between us will likely end up in more hostility and stress, neither of which I have any more time for.

Robert

Wondering what happens to Lance? C has generously offered to take him in for a month until we move to Kansas City. C, here’s your shout out – you are an awesome friend and I wish I could trade you for K.

I haven’t received any emails back from K yet, so maybe this time I actually rendered her speechless. I sure hope so. More breaking news as it occurs…

[UPDATE 1]: It is now Friday morning and I am back at the house...and it is sparkling. The kitchen is spotless, the only thing out is the ant traps on the window sill. The living room is amazing. I'm going to sweep and mop and then it will be the cleanest I have seen it all year. Even the bathroom is spotless again. Frankly, I am amazed. I actually forgot how nice this place could look. However, I think I am going to stand with the cat situation and still take him to C's house. I would love to think K will change her ways and keep it like this for a month, but I have my doubts. Not to mention, I think there would be a lot less friction without me around.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Robo,
You make me so proud
{wiping tear from eye} :)
~Your way cooler ex-roommie
Robert said…
I would like to introduce everyone to E up there. At least, that's who I think it is. Welcome E! Feel free to browse around, there's more roommate sagas further back...
Natty said…
roomates suck.
Byagi said…
The two of you collaborating on something like that could be deadly. You could rule the world via email.
Miss Wired said…
I moved in with my best friend from high school. It was hell. The place was constantly a mess. We're still friends though (even if we weren't for a while).

What an awesome letter Robert! Get 'em!

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